I always get really reflective on BART home from Fremont. Today was one of my better ones. I’ve actually been having an amazing, drama-free summer, and it causes me to look back on all of the obstacles that led me here. I’ve finally rid myself of dwelling on the past, but it’s nice to realize how far I’ve come. It’s time I purely cherish the present and look forward to the future. I have some great people in my life right now, and I’ve minimized the time I spend crying alone in my room. When I’m alone, I’m productive. I clean, decorate, or organize. I use my bed for sleeping and relaxing, not sobbing.
Bottom line, I’m really happy with life right now. It’s genuine. I can proudly say I’ve won my 4 year battle with depression. It feels great.

OMGGGG my bby’s coming up from Santa Maria next week! I’m so excited~~

Thinking about college is making me sad. I’ve wanted to major in engineering for 2 years now, but I’m beginning to question that. I have a math brain, and I want a job with a good starting salary after university. Those jobs are usually engineering jobs, but I feel like I might just make myself miserable because I really have no desire to actually do engineering for a long period of my life. Also, engineering is like the most demanding thing on the planet. I’ve read so many articles about engineer majors that absolutely hated their course work. Plus engineering doesn’t really interest me at this point in my life, and I don’t really think it ever will. I don’t want to choose a major just because I’m “capable” of finishing, because being “capable” doesn’t mean shit if I’m miserable. If anything I want to write, or learn languages, or study philosophy, but those don’t pay well! I hate this capitalist nation. I wish I could be content with being poor, because if that were possible, I would major in French and not give any fucks.

Today was exceptionally swell.

All I want in life is to meet someone who truly understands me. It can be in the form of a significant other, a friend, a role model, or even a pet cat. I just need someone to understand me.

I can finally say that I’m going to get tattooed soon.

An hour on the phone every night with a cute guy. I’m not complaining.

That awkward moment when you wanna just bang the brains out of your tattooist. I can’t deal.

My dad’s uncle was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I’m definitely gonna make this year’s Relay for Life count!

So yeah, I’m pretty sure I have body dysmorphia. Yay for another psychological issue~

Fuck this shit. I hate everything right now. Next week, my life has to revolve around the French play, but that’s not good. I have an algebra 2 test and a history essay that day. Not to mention I’m going to miss the cast lunch on Thursday to go to the AP gov/econ meeting. Fuuuuck. Spring break is going to be shit, too. I have to study for SATs, and get the rest of the shit I need for prom. May is the last month of school, but the first week is going to be a major bitch. Physics trip on the 3rd, SATs on the 4th, and hopefully Born Ruffians on the 8th. Can school just be over already?!?!?!!?!!!

Whenever I have deep talks with Dom, I feel like I actually learn shit about myself, which is weird because we usually never have deep conversations.

I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the rest of this semester. So much is going to change. When junior year started, it didn’t feel right. I can’t possibly fathom how senior year is going to feel. I don’t want to lose any more people I care about. It’s so exhausting to look back on all those good times that went to waste. Everyone in my life at this point is wonderful. When the seniors graduate, I am totally going to lose my sanity. I’ve been predicting the futures of some of my friendships, and it’s just flat out strange. I can’t handle this.

The best thing to do when you’re home alone: eat cereal in your underwear

Camacho is texting me from 5th period, telling me to get rest and to make sure I eat haha He’s cute when he isn’t a bitch.